When you say: “6 am – bzzzz….bzzzzz….

“huh?”- she is startled into wakefulness.”

Did you notice the tense change? You’re in past tense, and then with those two lines, you’ve suddenly shifted into present tense. Structural mistake #1.

“so typical of him most times”. So typical of him most times? No, no, no. Rephrase. Or suggest deleting entirely, but that’s just a suggestion.

“Quickly, this time she snatches up the phone, terrified that he will vanish once again – for days, or even weeks -so typical of him most times.

He sounded troubled, ” Hey babe.. you sleeping?”.”

Major, major tense clash. You’re in present tense in the first para, and then you’re saying he sounded troubled! Dude! Stick to one tense. And then in the next para, you’re back to present tense! Structural mistake #2.

““Theres something i need to talk to you about. It’s kind of important…do you have a few minutes?”, he asked, with a casual air.”
I would suggest you do away with ‘with a casual air’ and substitute it with the compact ‘casually’.

“ungreatful son”
It’s ungrateful. Grammatical mistake #1.

“She looked down despairingly, and out of increasing concern, asked, “damn..thats rough.. are you okay?””

I’m sorry, but this would never happen in real life. It’s not like she’s a friend, it’s obvious they’re involved. When the “he” in the relationship says his parents are forcing him into an alliance, the response, unless you’re just a friend, is never “damn, that must be tough. are you okay?” Do you get what I’m saying? Strike this part out entirely, and just go with the “What happens to us?” bit.

Aside from the above, there are a ton of edits I could suggest but this isn’t the place, really, to do it. If you’re interested in the lounge, and you end up posting there, detailed critique is guaranteed especially since we’ve been facing a drought of prose, lately. So…yeah.

Adios!

mp

Writing this piece has been a bit of a struggle , trying not to stray away from the point, trying to keep in line with the story…
I didnt realise it was so apparent – i do realise this piceneeds some reworking – i still need ot write part 2 as well..

If you would point out the grammatical and structural mistakes, id be most obliged ..

You arent discouraging me what so ever – its good to have some honesty thanks very much

batty

I liked the story; I think it’s different from the usual fluff and fare you usually come across. I think the protagonist can be made a wee bit stronger. I would advise you to show not tell, which is harder than it sounds I know, because it’s something I’ve struggled with myself. Like when you’re saying your voice has come out stronger than you expected, and when you’re talking about him pacing back and forth, etc. How? You can show her gripping something tighter, like the cell phone, or absently playing with something while she’s talking to him and then just stop when she speaks. All of this is a natural part of conversation; when you start speaking intensely, you don’t dabble in anything else. You get what I’m saying?

Also, there are a few grammatical and structural mistakes visible in the reread. In terms of dialog there are some places you’ve hit the nail on the head, and others where you’ve swerved so widely from making it sound natural, it’s surprising! I don’t mean to discourage you, though so please take my comments with a grain of salt. I’m on a writer’s community and this is what we do, we butcher pieces.

Contrary to the posters above me, I think this stands fine as it is now and adding more would bring it to cliche. Don’t add more, leave it up to the reader. That would be my advice. But you’re free to take it or leave it!

All in all, good work.

- mp

more on its way!

about the story though.. its great! has a pull towards it… definitely looking forward to reading more

But something’s missing.. .who was it? what happened next?